


Nienna's Journey

by TheBlueMistress



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Depression, Evil, F/M, References to Depression, past abusive relationship, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-30
Packaged: 2021-02-27 17:21:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22467088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBlueMistress/pseuds/TheBlueMistress
Summary: Nienna is sent away by Eru to find some answers he thinks she needs. She spends some time in Imladris, discovering much about the valley's inhabitants and herself. But will that be enough? Will the answers she get fill her with dread or pleasure?
Relationships: Nienna/Ulmo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. A Clinging Ache

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is a story I wrote for my best friend's birthday. Despite the uncommon pairing, I decided to post it. Please let me know whether you liked or hated it, and why. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!
> 
> Disclaimer: I would be a lot richer if I owned Lord of the Rings.

**1 A clinging ache**

  
All was silent. The absence of sound made the darkness seem like an impenetrable fortress, its invisible defenses holding against the sadness that was threatening to flood it from the inside as well as the outside. For beyond the time and space of Arda, tears were falling incessantly.

Nienna gazed over the large body of water without truly seeing anything. Her eyes, which were normally the bright blue of a cloudless sky, were now a stormy gray. Salty drops trailed a path down her face only to be accepted into the ancient lake. They were illuminated for the briefest second by the light of the stars before disappearing into the as of yet unmeasured depths.

For days the youngest of Eru Ilúvatar's children had sat on the same rock, not bothering to move. She was not hindered by the need for food or rest; the need to lament her own mistake was too large to even let her think about such unimportant things. Not even her brothers, whom she adored, had been able to persuade her to eat when they last visited her. Not even the gasp of breath at the state she was in had been enough to make her do more than drink the water they had offered her.

In her mind there was no doubt that she could not continue like this. Upon her arrival in this world, her father had given her the possibility to ignore pain, cold and hunger for extended periods of time, longer than Dwarves, Men or even Elves. But even the Ainur needed to consume food. That did not mean that she would give in before she was betrayed by her own body.

She snorted at her own choice of words; she was all too acquainted with betrayal. The memory of the pain it caused was so embedded in her mind that she woke with it and fell asleep with it. Betrayal had become her ever present companion since that faithful day so many years ago.

Even though Nienna was not susceptible to the cold, she shivered at the thought of what had happened at the night of the full moon so long ago. Melkor had suggested they meet at the very rock she was now sitting on. They had been at each other's side throughout many season, five years had passed since the day they had confessed their love for one another. That day would have been the beginning of their sixth year together.

Of course none of the other Valar had understood why she had given her heart to Melkor. They had been distrustful of him since the very beginning. Her brothers had begged her to take another, to be careful and not let her heart be broken. Varda had pleaded with her to see the evil in his heart, Manwë had told her that the road she had chosen would lead to nothing but pain. Vairë had merely shaken her head and said that Melkor was not the one she needed by her side.

Nienna had ignored them all; why shouldn't she? She was after all one of the most powerful amongst the Valier. She had been granted the possibility to make her own decisions. She had met Melkor that night, beside an ancient oak tree. His hands had been as gentle as she had imagined they would be as he guided her to the ground. Long they spoke of the past and the future, and the more he spoke the more she realized she wanted to experience the future with him beside her. Only years later would she realize that it had been the first time he would betray her.

It came as no surprise to the others, as she had lost her heart to him long before that. But the whispers only increased. There was word of dark thoughts biding their time inside Melkor's mind. Of threats as of yet unuttered but always on his lips. As was the right thing to do, she stood by her lover. And for four years it seemed that their love would be stronger than the barely hidden looks and the whispered words. In his arms, listening to him saying that he loved her, she was content.

But when the fifth year of their relationship began, Melkor became more distant. His once warm embrace began to feel forced; it was no longer the source of comfort it once was, instead it was by that time a meaningless gesture. The Dark One was no longer as beautiful. The shimmer as of a thousand dark gems catching the light of the sun and moon disappeared. His nails grew to be sharp weapons. He no longer smiled, only grimaced. His nearly black eyes no longer twinkled.

The rumours gradually grew stronger, yet she refused to believe them. She refused to see what those around her could no longer ignore. There were still enough signs that he loved her, albeit barely.

During their last night together, however, she had seen the error of her ways. Melkor had taken her for a walk underneath the star-strewn skies, wanting to enjoy her company and needing to talk about something. Her heart had fluttered, believing that he might ask her to bind with him. It would explain why he had behaved so oddly as of late.

But when they were in one of the darkest corners of the lands around the home of the Valar and Valier, he began to speak of power. He told her it had been given to them to use. She answered that she was well aware of that, not knowing where the conversation would take them. He questioned whether that was really so. Her heart began to pound harder at those words, her demand to clarify what he meant did not sound as powerful as she had wanted.

It was then that he told her that he believed the Valar and their female counterparts were using their powers in the wrong way. Why, he asked, should they use their powers to bring to life trees whose fruits would never be theirs to eat? Why should they restore order to a land they would never roam and that would soon be the subject to the disturbances of Elves, Men and even Dwarves? Together, they could overthrow the others and take what was rightfully theirs, he whispered.

She could not believe her ears. All of the whispered words came back, and a part of her recognized them to be true; he had indeed only wanted her powers, not her. None of it had been real. But another part of her had wanted to give him one last chance to prove her wrong. So she had offered him a choice: either he chose her, or he pursued his dreams of power.

Melkor chose power. All her strength was drained as he made the decision, she fell down to her knees. She had fought her fear for so long that she was too weak to even beg him to change his mind. She did not even fight when Melkor drew a blade and promised to make her stay by his side.

Irmo, her youngest brother, arrived just in time to stop Melkor from drawing all of the blood he needed to bind her to him. He took her home with nothing more than a thin line of blood trickling down her arm.

Or at least so he thought. Nienna did not speak to anyone for almost two months. She hardly ate and drank, her already pale skin grew even whiter. She became thin, too thin. Her legs refused to carry her, the strength would not return to her after it had fled her when she had needed it most. And she trusted no one beside both of her brothers.

Fortunately, she managed to turn away from the road to destruction she had set foot onto. Slowly, her appetite returned. Her hair regained its usual shine, as did her skin. She was no longer as fragile and unnaturally pale. Her brothers were relieved to see her healthy once again, as were her friends.

But they soon discovered that Nienna was not at all done grieving. Until the moment Melkor broke her heart, she had been joyous, a bright presence despite being called She who Weeps. Now, she lived up to her name and shed numerous tears. She began to frequent Námo's halls, where she sought out the souls who were the most distressed and helped Námo to make them whole again.

And every year, there would be periods during which no one would be able to make her eat or speak. They were the anniversaries of the day their relationship began and ended. For thousands of years things had continued like this.

This though made her return to the present; yes, things had been like this for far longer than she wished to remember, and the position she was in today made her admit to herself that nothing had as of yet changed. And probably wouldn't be changing any time soon.

Lightly shaking her head, she tried to ward off the feeling of impending doom that threatened to overwhelm her. Every day she had wished that Melkor would disappear from her life, that she would wake up and find he was never coming back. Yet he had never had the courtesy to fulfill those dreams.

Suddenly, she was brought back to the present when Námo stepped in front of her. Irmo was right behind him, less frightening but every bit as powerful as his older brother. They waited patiently for her eyes to focus on them before each taking one of her hands in their own.

"Eru Ilúvatar had sent us here to inform you he wants to see you. Please, Nienna, rise. Please," Námo said.

It took a few second for his words to penetrate the fog that was clouding her thoughts; she lost almost every connection to reality whenever she was trying to stay afloat in this particular sea of sadness. Slowly, though, the meaning of the words became clear.

Nienna nodded. Swallowing convulsively, she allowed her brothers to pull her to her feet. It was only because of the strong hold they had on her hands that she did not fall to the ground, as her legs were no longer accustomed to carrying her weight after sitting down for nearly a week. The world spun a little as she took her first step.

"Come, sister," Irmo whispered, gently squeezing her hand. There was encouragement in his tone as well as a small hint of fear.

Breathing in and out a couple of times eased the dizziness. From experience she knew that her physical strength would also return, but that it would take several days for her body to be free of the consequences of her journey into darkness.

"You can move. I can walk now," she hoarsely told her brothers. Her voice was almost unrecognizable. It was raw, fragile and barely more than a whisper. It sounded far more like nails scratching over iron than it ever had before.

When Irmo opened his mouth to protest, Námo shook his head. It was obvious the elder of the three siblings was eager to get to their father as soon as possible. There was no fear in his eyes, only acceptance. Nienna was very aware that Námo's wife, Vairë, knew all there was to know apart from what Eru had not yet chosen to reveal. He might know something no one else was aware of at this point.

Under different circumstances, Nienna would have asked him about his knowledge. She was a curious and intelligent creature, after all. But she was too fatigued. And truth be told, she had had enough of it. This everlasting pain had to come to an end or it would drive her insane. Maybe that was what Eru was about to do, help her put an end to this maddening pain.

Under Námo's guidance they began to walk again, silently putting one foot in front of the other. There was no need to speak, no need to even think. Their feet knew where to carry them, they only had to lift them and put them back down.

It seemed as if they continued to do this endlessly. Because of the darkness they were in it was hard to see any difference in the landscape around them. The grass beneath their feat rustled in the same way over the entire distance, there were trees and plants everywhere. Even the scents were the same for the biggest part of the walk towards Eru's house.

Finally, the air began to feel different. It felt purer, there was a melody being carried on it that inexplicably drew them towards the only stone structure in these parts: the house of Eru, where he lived with all those he had created before Arda had come into existence. The air curled around them, welcoming them home.

The long walk had tired Nienna. The stone were oddly out of shape, their edges blurring and their forms overlapping with one another. She knew very well that it was only a trick her mind was playing because of the fatigue, but the Fëanturi's sister was annoyed by it anyway. Life had been unkind to her for far too long, and she was through with it. She grinded her teeth, pushing on. Despite her stubbornness and her desire to stay upright, she stumbled.

"Námo, stop!" Irmo called out as his brother ignored it and pulled their sister further towards the gates, anger clearly audible in his voice. His eyes burned brighter than normal, as if the dark irises had been set alight.

Irmo was always the one most easily worried about his brethren's safety. For some reason the middle child always knew what to say when his elder brother and sister were on the verge of voicing yet another disagreement. If either one of them needed someone to listen to them, he was there. During the past years, he had even managed to help his sister and brother discover some common ground between them. It had made the three of them rather inseparable.

"She cannot go on like this. At least have the courtesy to carry her or to let me do it if you do not wish to wait," Irmo reasoned.

More than hearing it Nienna could feel Námo release a shuddering breath. He loosened his hold on her and lifted her chin with his hand so he could look right into her eyes. Those grey orbs were kind, far less scary than Irmo's in fact. They held love, a proud gleam and worry, as they most often did.

What he was looking for she did not know, but Nienna let him. In spite of the disagreement they had had when they were younger, Námo had always been the one she trusted most; Irmo was a close second, but even though he was her brother she would not deny there was something strange about him at certain times.

Suddenly, Námo spoke again. "I will carry her." The words were spoken softly, as if they were meant to put her at ease. And they did. Her brother was strong enough to carry her, to protect her in some way until she was in front of Eru himself. What she needed to be protected from she did not know, but there was no need to find out.

Nienna closed her eyes and buried her face against Námo's shoulder as soon as he had lifted her. Grabbing a hold of his clothing, she tried her best not to shiver because of the cold she should not even have been able to notice. Never before had she been so convinced that something was about to happen, something she had no control over whatsoever.

"Everything will be alright in the end, Nienna. I promise," Námo's voice suddenly washed over her. The words were spoken so softly that she was certain Irmo could not have heard them. Like all that was happening, they did not make much sense. Yet they calmed her, warmed her.

Opening her eyes, she looked up at him. Most Men and Elves were convinced that his face was a cold, unreadable mask that he never failed to keep in place, but that could not have been further from the truth; there was never anything but sympathy, kindness and warmth. However, Death was a powerful entity to them, and that should never change.

She had wanted to say something when she opened her eyes, but she could no longer remember what. It was no longer important either, so she simply extended one of her hands to pull Irmo closer. Námo was right. Everything would be alright eventually. As long as she had her family.

Irmo tucked a strand of her hair behind her elegantly pointed ear. The gesture reminded her of the days when she was naught more than a scared young creature who did not understand the grandeur and splendor around her. Her brothers had taught her, had helped her grow.

Her thoughts wandered as Námo used the strength of his will to open the heavy wooden doors. Through darkness and light they wandered, through memories of nights spent learning about the skies, the rivers, the flowers and the stars and through memories of her first visit to her eldest brother's halls. She remembered Irmo patiently explaining the magic of music, something Nienna was very fond of. Music was as natural a way of communicating as talking was among the Valar, after all.

But the most important reason why Nienna loved to sing was that she was not at all good at handling emotions. Even as one of the Ainur it was difficult to express how she was feeling. During the first year of her relationship with Melkor she had often resorted to singing when she was unsure how to say what she was feeling. Slowly, she had become more confident, yet music was still the means of communicating she felt most comfortable with.

And her voice was beautiful too, even though she was saying so herself. Ulmo often told her that to him her songs were not so different from the songs of the sea. The sound of the waves hugging the shores or washing over the rocks beneath the surface was in the sound of her voice, according to him.

With her face still hidden in her brother's tunic, she smiled. Ulmo was her best friend. She was close to all of Eru's children, but Ulmo seemed to understand what drove her to do the things she did when no one else could comprehend her motives. They shared a love of silence and water and often swam together. Or at least they had done so before Melkor had captured her heart.

Now that she came to think about it, Melkor had cost her quite a few things. Her friendship with Ulmo had suffered under his unwillingness to share, though he had not been able to separate them completely. He had taken away six years of her life that she could never get back. He had broken her heart, had scarred her soul.

By the way her brother tightened his hold on her and began to tread more carefully, she could tell that they had reached the stairs towards Ilúvatar's most private chambers. Only when there were urgent matters to be dealt with were they allowed to enter them. Else, they could speak with him in the western corner of his gardens.

Why was it that her actions had worried him enough to invite them there? He was her creator, her father, but that did not mean he ought to worry about everything she did. Surely she was by now wise enough to lead her life as she saw fit? Then again, it was a parent's right to worry about their offspring.

Nienna noticed the throbbing in her head, which had started yesterday, had still not abided. Strangely enough she had not paid any attention to the small discomfort until now. That was the way it always was: she would ignore everything and let the memories assault her in the hope of finally being able to put them to rest.

Unfortunately, it seemed that she would need some more time to do that. It became a little easier to not be weighed down by those images, yet they still hindered her in many a way. She did not easily trust, she had drawn up some heavily guarded walls around her heart and she had become so quiet and withdrawn that it was easier being on her own than dealing with the difficulties having a conversation brought with it.

They reached the top of the flight of stairs. Irmo, who had let go of her hand to enable Námo to climb the stairs more easily, now appeared by her side again. He did not look at her, though. His eyes were fixed on the door at the end of the hallway they had stepped into.

These doors were wooden as well, but they were less heavy than the ones downstairs. The silver lock and key dangling from them were absent from the other door, though. Nienna had never understood why Eru had done that; there was no need to have a lock on any door here. They were all friends with the best intentions. And it was even stranger after encountering a door that could not be locked first. But she had given up on trying to understand Eru. His mind was far more complex than that of her youngest brother, and Irmo's was already far more complex than their fellow Valar's minds.

Irmo made to knock before pushing the doors open, but he had not even raised his hand when Eru's voice already called out to them.

"Enter," was the one word he uttered. In it, there was such strength that any lesser being would have fallen down onto their knees. Yet the Valar had come to understand that his bark was worse than his bite, as Men would say. Eru often raised his voice when they did something he believed to be incorrect or unjust, but he hardly ever punished them.

Námo carried her inside, but lowered her to the ground as soon as the doors began to close behind them. The reason why was obvious: all of the Kings and Queens of the Valar had gathered; he did not want them to think she was weak. She shook her head almost imperceptibly. Her brothers never seemed to see that she could take care of herself and that it really did not matter what the others thought of her.

She shrugged of the hand Irmo placed on her shoulder; she would walk towards Eru alone. After all, she would have to stand in front of him by herself. Her knees felt wobbly, she was well aware that she was shaking. But she made it eventually, and Eru gave her all the time she needed.

As soon as she was in front of him, he began to speak. She had expected as much, so the question he asked her came as no surprise.

"Do you know why you are here?" he wanted to know. There was no malign intent in his words, he simply desired a straightforward answer. So that was what she gave him.

"I do. You fear for my wellbeing," she told him. It was obvious from the look in his eyes that she was right, and she was silently pleased with him for not hiding behind a mask. It made the conversation a lot more pleasant.

"I do, my daughter. You look as pale as the snow on Oiolossë, your hair no longer shines as brightly as it once did. But what speaks louder than any of the other signs of how badly you are coping, are your eyes. They are empty," he said.

Nienna staggered backwards as if she had been pushed. It was true that she had lost weight and was paler than before, but she had not yet noticed that her eyes were not the mirrors to her soul they usually were. Not even the reflective surface of the lake she had spent the last week by had told her that. It was the most shocking thing Eru could have told her.

She quickly stabilized herself. She had gotten herself into this situation, she ought to get herself out of it. Accepting what Eru told her was the beginning of that. Changing it was the next step. Taking steps in one direction or the other was what her life has consisted of for the last thousand years, she knew she could do it. She only hoped that it wouldn't be as it had been so far, being able to take one step forward only to be forced to take two steps back.

"Amin hiraetha, hîr nin. I should not have neglected my needs. You taught me better than that," she said.

And it was the truth. Eru had taught all of them that they could not help others if they did not help themselves first. He had taught them that they needed to keep up their own strength to be able to help others regain theirs. Not that they often meddled in the affairs of the firstborn or the second born, just often enough. Or at least that is what Eru would say when he sent one of them out to meddle.

"Indeed you should not have done that. But the past cannot be reversed, no matter how much we wish to do so. Which is why we are not here to discuss what has already happened, but what has yet to happen," he said.

They were here to discuss the future? Did that mean that Eru wanted her to stop spending a week in seclusion at the side of the lake every year? How odd that he should call her here to tell her that.

"Would I be allowed to ask what you mean by that, my Lord?" she asked, doing everything she could to sound more in control than she felt. Her heart was pounding; her throat was dry.

For a moment Eru did not speak. Instead, he gazed at her intently; those gray orbs were fixed on her with such intensity that a tingling sensation coursed through her. She too kept silent, allowing Ilúvatar to search for whatever it was he needed to find. There was no point in disturbing him, and she did not want to disrespect him in any way.

"I shall answer that question, as the answer is rather simple; I do not wish to see you put yourself through such an ordeal again next year. I had hoped you would finally come to your senses and end your dalliance with the darkness, but you did not. Therefore, I shall now break the bond between the two of you," he said.

Nienna's head reeled. Since when did she have a bond with the darkness? With sadness, yes, but with the darkness? Her need to be alone drove her to the lake where there was only starlight, yet that did not seem to be what her father was referring to. Asking him about it would not help her any further, though; it was obvious from his tone of voice that he would not answer her question.

"And how would you see that done, hîr nin?" she inquired, hoping that this was a question he would answer.

"I will send you on a quest to find the answers you need, daughter-mine. For no one else can find them for you," came the reply.

This was something else she had not been expecting. During all of the long years of her life he had been her instructor, aided by the other Ainur. And now he was telling her that he could not give her the answers she needed. And to which questions? Surely she would know if she had any, wouldn't she?

She shook her head for the second time since entering Eru's private chambers. He would do as he saw fit and bothering him would be of no use. She had learned that lesson long ago already. Focusing on Eru again she realized that he was waiting for her to speak.

"When will I be leaving?" she asked, instinctively knowing he was talking about a journey in the true sense of the word, physically as well as mentally.

"You will be leaving as soon as you have said your goodbyes. There is no knowing when you will return, after all," he spoke calmly.

Had she had the energy, she would have snorted at that last sentence. As it was, she let it pass her by. There were more important matters to be dealt with than being annoyed with Eru. She needed to say a few things to her brother before leaving.

She walked towards them, still a little out of balance. Their hands were hanging uselessly by their sides, but that changed as soon as she was close enough; she was pulled into a hug by the both of them at the same time. Their hold on her was tighter than it usually was, but she did not complain about it.

"Promise me you will look after each other," she whisperingly pleaded, her head buried between them so they would both hear her.

"We will," they said simultaneously, making her smile.

She let go of them, knowing that she should be going. And she did not like long goodbyes; they hurt too much, and she had suffered enough for multiple lifetimes as it was. She did not want to add to her own burden, or her brothers. They would miss her as much as she would miss them.

There was no need to say anything else. They had given her what she needed and she hoped she had been able to give them what they needed. It would be all they had until she returned.

"I am ready," she told Eru, who had watched the exchange between the siblings with rapt attention.

Ilúvatar smiled at her warmly. He gestured for her to come closer, which she did without complaining.

"Close your eyes, child of mine. When you open them, you will be at the beginning of your road," he said.

She obediently closed her eyes. As soon as she did, she felt herself fall into the darkness that was suddenly everywhere.


	2. The Malfeasance Of Tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nienna finds herself in a place she doesn't know. But she quicly finds some Elves nearby and they turn out to be rather nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is where the story truly starts, dear readers. I hope you'll enjoy reading this chapter as much as I liked writing it. Please tell me why you did or did not like it so I can improve my writing. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings. And I never will, either.

**2 The malfeasance of tears**

  
When Nienna opened her eyes, she found herself amidst the trees. Being one of the Valier, she was very adept at listening to what nature had to tell her. In this case the soft trembling of the leaves was interrupted every once in a while by the sound of birds and other creatures of the forest preparing to begin their day. Nothing disturbed their routine. There was no one else around.

A few feet to her right, there was a path. It was very narrow, nearly invisible because of the plants growing at the side of it as their leaves were draped over it. Despite that, she could see that there were stones set alongside the pat and that there were some footprints visible. This path was used regularly. If she wanted to find out where Eru Ilúvatar had chosen to send her, she should follow the footsteps. There was nothing else to do, after all.

With all of her senses trained on her surroundings, she began to walk towards the foot of the hill. It seemed unlikely that anyone would build higher up, and if she did not encounter anyone at that side of the hill she would just have to retrace her steps. How else would she manage to find the answers Eru was convinced she so desperately needed?

One part of her was displeased at having been sent away. The other part reveled in it; some time away from all she knew might just be what she needed to learn how to move on after Melkor's betrayal. The faces of the other Ainur reminded her too much of his face to grant her peace.

The sun suddenly broke through the dense roof of leaves above her head. Looking at the patch of sky she could see, she noticed that dusk would soon set in; a few more hours were all she had to find somewhere to rest, whether it be a cave or a house. Else she would have to spend the night out in the open.

Unfortunately there was no natural form of shelter to be seen. The trees were sturdy despite their age, their trunks did not offer a makeshift bedroom. And there were no masses of rock. She thought about her options: build herself a room with the fallen branches, leaves and other resources the wood had to offer or search for a town nearby. If she built the room, it would take her time. And that meant that she would not be able to continue down the road if she decided it was too much of a bother.

Truth be told it wasn't that hard to figure out what she should do. Eru might have returned much of her former strength to her but he had not restored her energy levels completely. Dragging the wood towards this clearing and constructing a room would take more time and energy than she had.

That did not mean that the road to the closest city would not take its toll on her. It might be tens of miles from there; she had no idea where she was or who she would encounter. Elves, Men or Dwarves? Would they recognize her?

As soon as that formed, she realized they would. Her hair was so long it reached down to her knees. There was no Elf on Arda who had hair that long, it was one of the characteristics that separated her from them. She always wore her hair in a single braid, as Melkor had liked it down. The second things that made her stand out, were her eyes. They would change colour to show how she was feeling. When she was angry, they became a reddish brown. When she was happy, they were as blue as the summer sky. When she was sad, they turned a stormy shade of gray. It wouldn't even take whoever she met a day to realize she wasn't normal.

She sighed; why were things never easy? _Mayhap there is no real reason_ , she mused as she continued walking. She wouldn't put it past Eru to allow the existence of the cold and illness Melkor had invented simply to see what the effects would be. But mayhap she was simply hoping he could be cruel because it would make her feel less guilty about wanting to hurt Melkor every once in a while.

The forest around her remained dense, which prevented her from discovering anything about the terrain around the mountain she was descending from. But she could clearly smell smoke from the fires that were used to cook, despite the distance. This was a relief, as this meant there was some sort of society nearby.

Suddenly, Nienna halted; the sound of voices reached her ears, coming from between the trees on her left side. They were raised, their owners did not know there was someone listening. They had no reason to believe anyone would be, as there were only winged and four-legged creatures inhabiting these woods.

There were two options: make her presence known or remain hidden. If she walked up to them they might be able to take her to the nearest village and give her a place to rest. At least if their hearts were true. If she stayed hidden, she would not be at risk and she could attempt to find out more about the inhabitants of the village.

The voiced became even more agitated now. Whoever was speaking was not doing all that well; the words were unsteadily spoken despite the volume and there was an obvious note of fear to them.

"So this is what's been eating at you. You are going to leave with the group of warriors riding out tomorrow and you were not planning on telling me."

Nienna cringed; there would be a high price to pay for the other Elf involved, that much was certain. But that was nothing she should concern herself with. What mattered to her was that they were elves, which meant they would not be as overwhelmed by her presence and a Man would be.

She pushed some of the vegetation aside so she could move closer towards the voices. It didn't take her too much of an effort, which she was grateful about. She had had some rather difficult experiences in forests like these, after all.

"Of course it has been eating at me! I've been trying to gather the courage to tell you for weeks; I don't want to leave you behind or hurt you, and I'm doing both at the same time," the second voice said.

She was close enough now to sense their present a little further ahead. It shocked her to realize how very much alike the energy these two Elves were emitting was. The array of emotions coursing through them was very similar as well: pain, sadness, uncertainty, love and in the case of one of them, anger. It had never occurred to Nienna that two beings could be nearly impossible to tell apart.

When she pushed some more low branches aside, she discovered that their appearance was as alike as their emotions and voices were; the two Elves standing at the other side of the clearing she now stood on were identical twins.

Suddenly one of them noticed her. His eyes widened, the hands that were lifted to punctuate the words he had spoken before now fell to his sides. The second Elf moved in front of him as if he considered Nienna to be a threat, which surprised her. As far as she knew she did not look that frightening.

Nienna lifted her hands, turning the pals outward in the universal sign of peace. The twins' shoulders became a little less tense even though it was obvious they still did not trust her. Nienna moved no closer, opting to speak first. It might put them more at ease, which would be beneficial.

"I am sorry to disturb your peace," she said, keeping her voice as soft as she could. "But I was looking for someone who might direct me to the nearest village. It is my first time around these parts."

She was painfully aware of how odd the phrasing must have been, how strange it had to be for the twins to be addressed in such a manner by someone they did not know. But she did not have the slightest inkling as to how else she might have spoken to them. It was always like this when she met the Firstborn or Second born, the initial insecurity flared up every time.

"The nearest city would be Imladris. We ourselves live there. You could journey back with us if you like. It isn't that far, we could make it in under four hours if we do not stop," one of the twins said.

"I would like to travel with you very much. It is kind of you to look out for a lonesome stranger. But since we will be spending some time together, I believe we should introduce ourselves. My name is Nienna," she said.

She cleverly left out the part that she was one of the Ainur. She was not entirely sure it was wise to keep that knowledge to herself, but she was tired of always being treated with the utmost respect simply because was one of the Valier. Outside the circle of her fellow Ainur she had not met anyone that had wished to befriend her. Most respected her for who she was and feared her because she was the sister of the Doomsman. Maybe this time would be different.

"We know who you are. The glow around you told us that as soon as you stepped onto the clearing. But do not worry. Apart from my father, his Seneschal, his Chief Advisor and the two of us no one will notice it. My name is Elladan, by the way," the twin on the right said. There was no judgment in his voice as he spoke.

"And I am Elrohir. My brother is right about the other Elves. And even if they did notice, they would see it as an honour to have you in their midst. They would not be afraid of you at all," Elrohir said.

She bowed her head in acceptance of his words. If the other inhabitants of Imladris were anything like these two she would be pleased to spend some time there. She could already feel the energy flowing through her now that she was in a new environment where she could learn new things. She had always enjoyed studying and discovering things, to the utter annoyance of her brothers, whom she had often turned to in search of answers to her questions.

"We should leave. That way we can join our father, Lord Elrond, for diner. If you have any questions, we will answer them while we walk," Elladan said.

Elrohir looked at him glaringly, but did not open his mouth. The tension between them was thick enough to slice. Nienna was greatly reminded of her brothers when they were arguing. She wondered whether these two were always like this or that it would blow over just as quickly as it did between Námo and Irmo.

"That would be fine with me. Your father will need time to find a room that I can sleep in and I wouldn't want to be any more of a burden to him. I have nothing to offer him in return for his hospitality, after all," she told them.

"He will not be expecting anything in return, the respect you are already according him will be more than sufficient. And he will not need long to find you a room. Our sister is living with our mother's parents and her room is not being used; I think he will let you use it. It is close to ours should you need anything and it is well-kept," Elrohir said.

Elladan gestured for them to start moving. Elrohir was the last one to follow that silent order, opting to walk on Nienna's left side while his brother did the same on the right side. Nienna felt like she was being used to create some distance, but she did not say anything. If this made them happy she would comply.

"It would be an honour to get her room for the time of my stay. An honour I have no right to believe he will accord me. His daughter is more important than I am. Any room will do. I am not that difficult," she quickly assured them.

Elladan laughed and Elrohir was tempted to a small snigger as well. Nienna realized the brothers were no longer truly angry with each other, but that neither one was ready to admit it just yet. In less than an hour they would probably be walking side by side again, she was certain of it.

"We were not trying to make you believe you were difficult, my lady. We were merely saying that finding you a room will be no hardship. And our father would accord any guest that same honour. That is the way he is and we would not want him to change at all," Elladan said.

After that, they both fell silent. Nienna did not mind this at all; she spent most of her days listening to her surroundings, as she was quite adapt at reading others and did not often require words. It came in handy whenever the one she was with did not know how to explain what was going on or when she was dealing with someone not inclined to speak. It could also be a burden, as some believed it was unjust that she should know so much about them whilst they knew nothing about her.

Soon, the trees appeared with greater distances in between. That was the first indication that they were nearing the foot of the mountain, as was the fact the road was no longer as steep and glimpses of green grass beside the mountain were shimmering through the leaves. The scenery was truly beautiful.

"You obviously care greatly for your father, you respect him. He must be an amazing father," she eventually said in an attempt to get some sort of conversation going again.

It was Elrohir who answered her question, as she could have predicted. As he reached for the low-growing branches she was holding out of the way so they wouldn't hit his legs he began to speak. There was a warmth in his voice that told her he truly loved his father.

"He is amazing. No matter how busy he was tending to the Valley, he would always make time for us. We often went to the Bruinen or took long walks. On a few occasions he even took us camping among the hills in the south. Our sister loved our outings as much as we did. She was a daring creature, and that has not yet changed, much to ada's dismay. And even now we're adults, he is always there for us when we need him and he still makes it a point to know everything there is to know about our lives," he smiled.

"Your father reminds me of my oldest brother. Námo took care of me as if a were his daughter and not simply his sister, and Irmo wasn't that much better. They quickly developed the annoying habit of knowing what I want or need before I know myself. And they are always there to guide me if I need them," she confessed.

Elladan smiled at that as well. Nienna was well aware she was attributing many qualities to her brothers that no one would ever associate with them. Yet she could not help it; she was simply telling the truth, no matter how improbable it sounded.

As the brother seemed to have fallen silent again, she allowed her mind to wander. Of course it immediately turned to what kind of place Imladris might be. Judging by the twins' behaviour and what they had told her about their father, the inhabitants had to be quite gentle and respectful, yet not overly so. It sounded like she would be able to settle in nicely and might be able to make some friends.

Before Nienna knew it they were at the foot of the mountain. A path led away from it, she noticed. By the looks of it, it wasn't being used by Men very often. It was too undisturbed, the herbs along the side were growing whichever way they pleased.

The second two hours passed by without much talking by any one of them. They were content to keep their attention on the ground beneath their feet and the trees, herbs and plants around them. The lack of conversation did not make Nienna feel unwelcome. In fact, she enjoyed not having to explain anything. Most would be now have asked thousands of questions, but these two were assessing the situation first. She really did appreciate that.

"Do you have any idea how long your stay will be?" Elladan suddenly questioned. By now they were quite a distance away from the mountain. Nienna guessed that they had already been on the road for two and a half hours, which meant that there was more than an hour left to go.

"Not really. Eru sent me here because he believes I need to gather some information. He did not tell me which information exactly, or where to find it. I might only stay a few days, I might stay a few years," she admitted.

If the twins were surprised, they did not show it. Maybe it was their elven heritage, maybe it was something else, but they simply returned to the taciturn state they had been in before. And Nienna was by that time really forced to admit she had been wrong. The brothers were still not talking to each other.

Her surroundings changed ever so slightly as time went by. Only half an hour after leaving the mountain side this could no longer be denied. There were more trees again, the path became nearly invisible. The sound of a river reached her ears.

"That is the Bruinen," Elrohir said as soon as he noticed she had heard it. "We need to cross it to reach Rivendell. The river is beautiful, but also functions as one of Imladris' defenses. Once we are on the other side it will take very little time to get you to the Last Homely House. We will reach it long before dinner is served."

Merely a few minutes later she caught the first glimpse of the river. The water was crowned with white foam, innumerable sparks in every colour known to Men, Elves and Dwarves were shooting across the surface. Now she understood why Elrohir had not yet grown used to this beauty. It was too changing to grow accustomed to.

After two more turns in the road it was time to step into the water. It made Nienna feel right at home. She felt at peace around water, no matter whether it was a river, a lake or the sea. The tranquility she experienced when she was near water could not be matched by anything else.

This made her think of Ulmo, as water inevitably did. He was the one who had taken her to the side of the sea in Aman as soon as it had been formed so she could watch the gulls and the waves, smell the salty wind blowing in from the sea. He had explained to her that being in the water made him feel at home; his heart belonged to the water. He had known that as soon as he had begun to play his part in Eru's music. Without water it was as if he could not breath.

Nienna had quickly discovered that to her water was almost as important. Dancing in the rain, swimming or being near water made her forget the things Melkor said or did to her. It made her stronger. But she did manage to breathe without it.

Still, she often joined Ulmo at the side of the water. Their friendship had begun there and whenever she needed someone to talk to she would just sit down, dangling her feet in the water while she waited for Ulmo, who would without mistake turn up within seconds. It had become their place to meet. Water carried both of their secrets, some of which they could not even share with each other.

She quickly pushed that thought away. There was no need to go down that road. She would only start doubting most of the decisions she had made in the last few thousand years and that would not be a good start of her stay here.

Suddenly, she was brought back to the present by Elrohir, who gently placed a hand on her arm. She chided herself for having been lost in thoughts for so long. And for jumping at the light touch. She was very lucky neither one of her companions had noticed anything or that they were at least keeping silent about it.

"We have arrived," he informed her. He took his hand from her elbow, but stayed close to her. She allowed him to guide her despite not needing it; he had been nice to her throughout their entire walk. And she would need some champions if she wished to stay here without getting into any trouble.

She looked at the building they were heading toward. It was enormous, its gates reminded her of Eru Ilúvatar's with their words of welcome written on the metal. The trees were inside the construction, outside it. They surrounded it, yet did not smother it. The flowers followed their example. The scene breathed peace and serenity.

"It is beautiful," she finally managed to say. But it was far more than that. She felt as much at home as she would in Aman, her heart was telling her she belonged there. Why she was feeling this connected to this place she had never seen before was a riddle, yet it could only make her life easier.

Elladan gestured for the others to follow him, which they did. By the sour expression on his face Nienna could tell that Elrohir was not happy about it, but he complied none the less. She was sad to see that even four hours had not changed his mind.

"Our father is waiting for us at the door," Elladan told her. Nienna had already noticed this, as the Lord of the Valley was standing against the light stone of the Last Homely House as a dark statue. His black hair was almost indistinguishable from the cloak he was wearing.

They approached him. Nienna could sense the effort it took Elrond not to run towards his sons; it would be rather unseemly for a Lord to behave in such a way. Though Nienna thought his people would forgive him for it. Family was the most important thing in one's life, after all.

Elladan and Elrohir were also tempted to throw themselves into their father's arms. They refrained from doing so, albeit barely. Instead, they walked towards him as fast as they would without running, Elrohir still holding Nienna's elbow. She found that rather endearing, and she quite liked that he wasn't afraid to touch her.

As soon as they were within reach, Elrohir let go of Nienna so Elrond could embraced him and his brother. The three of them smiled, glad to be reunited. But they let go of each other quickly; there would be time for a proper greeting when they were alone that evening. There were other matter that needed to be dealt with first.

"Father, we brought a guest. This is Nienna," Elladan was the first to introduce her.

Elrond bowed his head in respect for the unexpected guest. He gestured for them to follow inside before speaking. Only now did Nienna realize the Lord of Imladris hadn't been as alone as she had thought. Two more Elves were waiting in the hallway, one with hair as black as the night and one with golden locks that reminded her of rays of sunlight. She knew the second one, as he had lived in Námo's halls for quite some time. His name was Glorfindel. The raven haired Elf was a stranger.

Glorfindel of the House of the Golden Flowers seemed to recognize her as well; his eyebrows rose, his mouth dropped open a little. In his eyes she could read a mixture of disbelieve and joy. They had been something close to friends while he had stayed with her brother.

"Nienna!" he said, completely forgetting that the others were unaware of their previous meetings and not caring that they were there. "I had no idea you were coming here! I cannot believe it!"

Nienna laughed at how young he sounded. Glorfindel had always had a young soul despite his gruesome fight with the Balrog and that was even more obvious in these serene surroundings than it had been in her brother's halls.

"I had no idea I would be coming this way. It is Eru's doing that I am here, not mine. It is good to see a familiar face here," she admitted. She was not normally this open, yet in front of Glorfindel it was not hard to be. And since he trusted these Elves, she felt like she could do the same.

Glorfindel then did something she had not expected: he enveloped her in a hug. Her first instinct was to freeze, but she pushed it down. He was doing what was natural to him, she simply wasn't accustomed to it.

"You are most welcome," Glorfindel assured her as he let go of her. His azure eyes twinkled with joy and she knew her eyes were a very clear shade of blue, which Glorfindel would know to mean she was happy.

"Indeed you are," Elrond chimed in. "But I am afraid you have caught me a little of guard. Fortunately, there are always rooms available. And whilst we show you to them, I would like to introduce you to the only member of our group you do not yet know. This is Erestor."

 _So that is his name,_ Nienna mused. The quiet Elf bowed his head much like Elrond had before. There was a feline grace behind the motion, a grace that surpassed that which every Elf was usually graced with.

"I am honoured to meet you. I am Glorfindel's friend and he often speaks of you. I am very glad I am being given the possibility to speak to you in person," he told her, looking into her eyes without any sign of the fear she usually inspired in Elves when she first met them. There was curiosity in them, something she liked to see.

They were by now standing in front of a dark wooden door, which Elrond pushed open. As they stepped inside, Nienna said:

"I am honoured to meet Glorfindel's friends as well. Mayhap I might learn something about him I do not yet know," she said, knowing full well Glorfindel would recognize her teasing for what it was.

"Have mercy! You know too much about me already, my Lady. It would not do me any favors should you learn more about me. I think this time I should try to find out more about you," he teased her in return.

Nienna laughed, turning her attention to Lord Elrond and the room they were in now. The bed was large, the covers green. The walls were the same light gray colour as the stone, but they were adorned by a few tapestries and paintings. There were green curtains covering the large windows as well. The wooden tables beside the bed were elegant and simple, as was the closet against the wall.

"It is beautiful," she said earnestly.

Elrond smiled at that, obviously pleased she liked the room. Elladan and Elrohir seemed glad as well, and they were standing a little closer together by now. For some reason she was glad to see it. But Elrohir could still not hide the emotional pain he was in.

"I suggest you make yourself at home here. I will sent Glorfindel to come and get you when it's time to have dinner. And everyone here will be glad to help should you have any questions," Elrond told her.

She bowed her head in thanks and they left her to settle in. Glorfindel squeezed her hand before leaving the room; Elladan bowed much like she had before; Elrohir touched her arm lightly; Erestor extended his hand, leaving it up to her to decide whether she wanted to shake it. She did, causing him to smile brightly.

As soon as she was alone, she walked over to the mirror. During her walk here, strands of her hair had slipped from her braid. Almost instinctively, she brought her hand up to redo it.

Fortunately, her dress had not suffered during the journey. It would do just fine to have dinner with the other inhabitants of the valley. She should find some other clothes, though. She could not very well wear the same clothes every day.

Maybe she should ask Glorfindel about it. He would no doubt be willing to take her to someone capable of making them for her. And he'd probably love to give his opinion on what she was wearing, cheeky bugger that he was.

Her train of thoughts was unexpectedly interrupted when she heard someone run past her door. By the sound of it, whoever it was, was crying. She used her gifts to find out who it was, and she was surprised to discover it was Elrohir. But only slightly, given the previous events.

She quickly pushed open her door, following the sound of him crying to locate him. He needed her help, and she was more than willing to give it to him. She only hoped he would let her.

The young Elf had not gotten very far. She found him in a corner three hallways from her rooms, leaning against the wall. His hands were buried in his hair, his head was resting on his knees. She suddenly realized the picture he was presenting had to be eerily similar to the one she presented to her brothers every year.

She sank down beside him, close enough to let him know she was there to help but not close enough to make him crawl away from her. She needn't have feared that, though, as he slowly allowed his head to come to rest against her shoulder.

"What is it that makes you cry? Your brother leaving? I heard you argue about that in the forest," she admitted.

If Elrohir was surprised by her confession, he did not show it. He simply stayed where he was, seeking comfort in her. She let him, trying to help him like her brothers had always helped her.

"Yes. I love him, Nienna. I love Elladan more than life itself. And now, he's going away to fight a group of Uruk-Hai that is still at large after the war. A group so large most of the Elves riding out will not return. It's suicide! And he doesn't think I matter enough to stay behind. He doesn't love me anymore, not in the way I love him," Elrohir cried.

So that was the problem, Nienna mused. Now she understood why Elrohir was so upset. Both brothers would have had a difficult time coming to terms with their feelings for one another. And now that they were finally happily together, Elladan was knowingly and willingly risking his life despite the fact he would hurt Elrohir terribly by leaving, let alone if he died.

"Your brother still loves you, pen-neth," she whispered. "I am certain of it. Talk to him about this. Don't argue, but talk. You'll see he's only doing this because he thinks he has no other choice."

Gradually, Elrohir's sobs slowed down and stopped. When he looked up at her again, his eyes were red but they held a spark of determination.

"Thank you, Nienna. I will take your advice and talk to him tonight. Because I hate arguing with him," Elrohir said.

Nienna rose before speaking again, pulling Elrohir with her. He allowed it, most likely because he didn't doubt she was strong enough to pull him to his feet.

"He doesn't like arguing with you either, I can tell. Now go, wash your face before dinner's served. Your father would be worried should he see you in this state," she gently admonished.

Elrohir nodded his agreement, disappearing without saying anything else.

When Nienna slid into her bed that evening, after having been introduced to the other inhabitants of Rivendell, she found herself thinking about both brothers. Elrohir had looked only marginally better during dinner and Elladan had looked just as bad.

"Tears are not always a good things. Continuing to cry over something you might lose without trying to hold on might cause you to lose it anyway. Continuing to cry over something you've lost can make you lose something you didn't realize you could have," she mumbled to herself.

Those words were Ulmo's. He told her this a few years ago, when he visited her on the same stone her brothers had pulled her off of not even a day ago. Only now did she understand he was right. What she didn't know, though, was why he had told her she might be losing something she didn't realize she could have.

Unable to fight sleep any longer, she slipped into the land of dreams. But even those dreams did not provide her with an answer to that question.


	3. The Power Of Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nienna spends some time with Elrond and discovers a few things about him. And perhaps about herself too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hello, everyone! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as much as the others! Please let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!
> 
> Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Lord of the Rings. And I never will, either.

**3 The power of fear**

  
The first thing Nienna noticed when she woke up was the clattering of rain against the window. The sound brought a smile to her face; she liked the rain as much as Ulmo did and it reminded her of the walks they used to take when it was pouring. She always felt clean, pure after having been washed clean by the rain.

Today, though, she would not be able to run around in the rain. She had promised Elrond that she would help him clean the library. The task was enormous and they would be starting right after breakfast. Which was why they would be eating their breakfast an hour more early than normal.

Nienna slid out of the bed. There was some time left, yet she wanted to prepare for the day ahead without having to hurry. Doing things without rushing them was a much better way to begin the day, after all. Námo had taught her that. He might have learned this through working with the dead, but it worked rather well for the living as well.

She had by now been in Imladris for two months. The days had flown by, it felt as if she had hardly left Aman. Much of this had to do with the fact she had been around Erestor, Glorfindel, Elrond and his sons most of the time. They had really gone out of their way to make her feel comfortable, at home even. Especially Erestor, she was most often in his company. Elrond was a close second. And she had no doubt things would stay this way until Glorfindel returned from patrol.

Suddenly, there was a knock on her door. She smiled, realizing it was probably Elrond who was wondering whether she was up already. She tied the leather strip around her waist as she spoke.

"Come in," she said, lifting her hands to pull her hair into a bun.

When Elrond entered and saw her struggling to tame her hair, he came up behind her. Gently, he took the binds out of her hand and quickly tied her hair together. As soon as he was happy with the way it looked, he made her turn around.

"Thank you. It really isn't easy to have hair this long. It seems to have a mind of its own most of the time. But I like it too much to cut it any shorter. It simply wouldn't be me, either,'" she sniggered.

Elrond snigger too, shaking his head a little. For the umpteenth time Nienna was reminded of the open, caring nature this Elf possessed. It was what made him such a wonderful leader for the Eves of the valley, and an amazing friend.

"You most certainly are a piece of work, you," he told her, his eyes twinkling. He reminded her so much of Námo at that moment that she couldn't help but smile.

"Come on. We have a busy day ahead. Will it be just us in the library?" she wanted to know. Her curiosity was never a problem for Elrond or the others, so she was always asking questions these days.

Elrond held open the door for her and stepped into the hallway himself before answering. It seemed he was as eager as she was to get the day started.

"There won't be anyone else. Melpomaen is helping Erestor and Glorfindel write down rosters for border patrols, so he isn't available. And Lindir and the other minstrels have already helped by bringing the books and scrolls Galadriël sent over to the library. It wouldn't be fair to ask them to do even more," he said.

She silently agreed. Lindir and the others had spent most of the day walking to and fro to get that done yesterday. They should get to do something more fun today. Besides, Elrond and she would get it done by themselves. Even if it would most likely take them a couple of days.

When they settled down for breakfast a few minutes later, Nienna saw Erestor talking to Melpomaen. Apart from Glorfindel and Elrond, Melpomaen was the one Erestor was closest to. The raven haired Elf was a very shy creature, Nienna had noticed. He didn't trust others easily. Nienna felt honoured he trusted her a little after only two weeks; he was a very intelligent Elf and she greatly enjoyed his company. Despite the difference in age between them she'd never had the urge to mother him.

Erestor waved at her, and she returned the gesture as she smiled at him. Melpomaen also greeted her, by giving her a nod to be specific. Unlike Erestor, Melpomaen hadn't been spending as much time with her. Therefore, he was a little less comfortable around her. Only a little, though; Melpomaen was rapidly getting over his shyness, even if his awe for her remained.

"Quell re, Nienna! I heard about your plans for the day. Don't let ada keep you too busy; he tends to forget about things such as dinner and sleep when he's working," Elrohir's voice suddenly sounded right next to her.

From the berries in his left hand and the pear in his right, she deduced that he'd been there for a few minutes and she'd completely missed him. She also gathered that he was heading out, as he wasn't sitting down beside her to continue eating.

"I'm sure I'll be all right. Your father won't do anything I might consider less than appropriate for him as a host, so he certainly won't let me starve. Perhaps I should be worrying about you. After all, you might have more dangerous plans for the day," she playfully countered.

"I hate to disappoint you, but there's nothing dangerous to my plans. I'm going for a ride along the Bruinen with Lindir. Sitting here waiting for news from Elladan, or even his return, is eating away at me. The ride will let me think of something else for the matter, at least for a while," Elrohir explained.

"I think you'll find yourself suitable occupied," she told him, a small smile tugging at her lips. Elrohir was doing an amazing job at not falling apart while he was worried sick about his twin brother, his lover.

Elrohir nodded and then disappeared. That turned out to be a good thing, because after that, Nienna had just enough time to finish her breakfast before Elrond dragged her to the library. The Lord of the Valley was obviously even more enthusiastic about working in the library than she'd though so far.

"Why don't you take the scrolls and I take the books? The work will be equally divided that way," Elrond suggested as soon as they were inside the room.

Nienna nodded her assent, approaching the numberless piles they'd have to sort through. The sooner they started, the sooner they'd have finished putting the new additions to the library in their rightful places. With some luck, they'd be able to get quite some work done by the end of the day.

"Nienna, I hope you don't mind my asking, but would you mind terrible if I asked you a few personal questions while we work? I mean, you've figured out so much about me and I've become quite curious about your life as time's gone on. You don't have to answer them if you don't want to, of course," Elrond quickly added.

Ah, so there had been another reason for his eagerness to get started. It meant time alone for them, a place and time to ask her these personal questions and perhaps the best situation for her to be in if she decided to answer them. Bold of him, she decided, and very clever as well.

"You can ask me anything you would like. I cannot promise I shall answer every one of your questions, but I shall answer those I feel I can," she responded straight away. She trusted Elrond would never tell another soul about what she told him, so there wasn't any doubt in her mind that it was the right decision.

Elrond was quiet for a few minutes after that, extracting a first book. Nienna didn't doubt he was trying to find out what the best question was to start with. She mirrored his actions as she waited for him to speak again. When he did, his voice was incredibly soft and despite her earlier assurances there was still a small measure of hesitance in it.

"You speak very highly of both of your brothers. Doesn't it ever bother you that especially Námo is often regarded more with fear than with respect or awe?" he asked.

As Nienna placed her scroll on one of the wooden shelves, she answered. She responded readily, as it wasn't a difficult question at all.

"At one hand it does; it's hard to be the only one to see all the goodness in him. He's the most terrifying of us all and yet he has such a tender heart. But on the other hand, Death is supposed to be viewed as a powerful entity, and a terrifying one for those who face it after a life of wrongdoings," Nienna said.

Elrond let out a small hum at those words. Apparently, he agreed with her. Most others would have told her that Death didn't deserve her kind words even if he was her brother, but to him, it seemed, her words were natural. Despite his intelligence, she couldn't deny being slightly surprised.

"Why do you spend so much time in your eldest brother's halls? I know your name means She Who Weeps, but you seem to have a cheerful personality and I can't reconcile the laughing Elf I see here every day to the one who visits the Halls of Waiting so often," Elrond said, now sounding a bit more confident he wouldn't be crossing any borders by posing this question

Again, she had her answer ready the minute he'd utter that last word. As she placed another scroll where it belonged, she gave it to him.

"I can grant peace to those unfortunate souls awaiting rebirth there or who have to learn to spent their days there; I teach them acceptance and patience, things I learnt from my brothers and father. In doing that, I make it easier to deal with returning to the world of the living or staying in Námo's Halls," she explained.

Elrond smiled widely at her when she said that. For some reason he seemed really pleased with the answer and she had no idea why. Maybe because she had proven him right about usually having quite the pleasant disposition. She refrained from asking him about it, though, as there really was no need.

"Have you ever been tempted to stay among Elves before, or have you always been content in Aman?" was the next question he asked.

This was not an easy question to answer, unlike the others. It was more personal to her than the previous ones had been, and she doubted she should answer it truthfully. Therefore, she pondered it for a moment as she picked up another scroll and moved to the shelve it belonged upon.

Elrond let her take her time, which she was grateful for. She didn't really want to lie to Elrond, but she felt like there might not be another choice. She'd be giving away something no one else had ever known and despite her faith in Elrond, she wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. These moments of silence gave her the time to figure out what she should do.

"Actually, I did consider leaving Aman, at least for a while. I wasn't at all well at the time. I'd never have thought about it else. And in the end, I only stayed because my brothers made me," she settled for telling him. Elrond would probably ask her more about it, but at least she had been honest so far and had managed to buy herself a little more time.

But Elrond stayed silent. There was no sound of movement either, which had her slightly concerned. When her eyes settled on him, she immediately noticed he wasn't moving. His chest was moving too fast, he was pressing the book to his chest so tightly that his knuckles were white. His eyes were wide with fear.

Slowly, she approached him. The last thing she wanted to do was make things worse by spooking him. Soon enough, the reason for his fear became obvious. A spider, barely big enough to be noticed, was sitting in the spot Elrond had meant to put the book into. She reached past him and took the spider into her hand, after which she deposited the creature on the outside window sill and closing the window again.

When she turned back to Elrond, nothing had changed. Even though she had now removed the spider, Elrond had yet to move. He was staring at the shelve unseeing. He was not trembling, he was not blinking. He simply stood motionless.

Nienna knew she needed to act; the Elven Lord needed to be drawn back from whatever place he was in, as she could see the dark thoughts tormenting him despite not knowing what it was he was seeing. So she spoke, hoping that her voice would wake him from the waking nightmare.

"Why is it that you are so afraid of spiders that even one as tiny as this one renders you incapable of moving?" Nienna gently inquired.

Slowly, Elrond lifted his head. When his eyes locked onto hers, she saw tears in them. Throwing caution to the wind, she enveloped Elrond in a tight hug. The Elven Lord tensed for a second but then relaxed and buried his face in her neck. The tears in his eyes didn't fall, but Nienna didn't doubt he wouldn't be able to hold them at bay for much longer.

"It's something that happened a long time ago. Elladan and Elrohir were only five, Celebrían was still here and we hadn't even reached the point where we wanted to have more children," Elrond explained, his voice muffled because he had not yet lifted his head away from her neck.

Nienna began to rub soothing circles on his back. It was another thing she'd learnt from Ulmo. Her brothers were too acquainted with death, fear and other painful emotions to need her support in a similar fashion, but Ulmo was affected the worst out of all of them by those emotions. And she was the only one who managed to sooth him when that happened. She felt oddly proud of that, but she ignored the feeling; this was about Elrond now, not about her.

"Elladan and Elladan have always been curious. As children they loved going into the forest to search for hidden treasures with their naneth, Erestor, Glorfindel or myself. When they were seven, they managed to slip outside unsupervised. I still don't know how it happened, but one moment they were right beside me and the next they weren't there anymore," Elrond said, his breath hitching in his throat.

It was a parent's worst nightmare, to lose their child. And Elrond must have been terrified his sons would be injured or even dead by the time they were found. Imladris was a very large place, and the woods were no less vast.

"An hour later, as I was ready to give up the search in the buildings and join the search in the woods, Elrohir came running up to me. He was crying. He told me Elladan was sick and that he was really pale. I think my heart stopped beating for an entire minute despite my running after Elrohir so he could lead me to Elladan," Elrond admitted.

Nienna guided the Elven Lord to a chair, ushering him to sit down. This was more of a revelation than she'd expected to get from him this early on, but she wasn't about to turn away from someone who needed her.

"When we found Elladan, he was barely breathing. He was white as snow and his heart was beating very slowly. If it hadn't been for the dead spider beside him, we'd never known which creature had bitten him. He survived, but it was touch and go for a week before the spider's poison was gone from his body. His heart stopped beating twice and the second time we didn't think he'd be pulling through. But it never lasted very long, which is why he hasn't suffered any lasting effects," Elrond said, the gratitude for that clearly audible in his voice.

"I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me this. I know what it's like to be afraid Elrond, possibly as one of only two of the Ainur who do. And I know what it's like to put words to those fears," she admitted.

Hearing Elrond speak of his fear, face it head on even if he wasn't ready to see he could move past it, had helped her made up her mind. She would share her own story with him and try to be as brave as he had been. Her way to start the conversation came when Elrond raised a brow at her.

Nienna explained how her relationship with Melkor had begun and ended. She didn't leave out any details, made sure Elrond understood how tiresome, heartbreaking and painful all of it had been. And of course how very supportive her brothers, father and the other Ainur had been.

And then, she came to the part of the story that had made it impossible to share it with anyone outside her family before now. Even Glorfindel, whom she'd known for a long time as he resided in her brother's halls and whom she'd seen another three times in the long years since then, had never heard it.

"I was terrified no one apart from my brothers would ever love me by then, or that I would never be able to give my heart to another. Everyone kept away from me and I thought it was because I wasn't worthy of their love after being with Melkor. They proved me wrong in the end, but still… I was just about to leave Aman when they found me. I didn't have a destination in mind, I just wanted to disappear," she told Elrond.

Elrond's eyes widened, but this time in surprise. It was obvious he'd never thought she'd do something like that. She didn't blame him; it wasn't in her nature to run from her troubles, it had only happened that once. The Elf had her figured out pretty well to realise that, she had to give him that.

"Irmo was so upset with me, angry even. He yelled at me for not getting the fact Melkor never was the most important part of me, for letting someone as dark as he was control me in such a way. But he toned it down in the end, admitting he'd just been terribly afraid they'd have never found me if I'd decided to leave. Námo took one look at me and hugged me tighter than he'd ever done. He understood, you know. He'd seen enough pain and anguish to understand. He didn't raise his voice, didn't drag me back to our home. Instead, he simply asked me to stay. I said I would," Nienna finished.

Elrond was a lot calmer now; he was no longer trembling, his eyes were focused on her and the ghosts of fear had almost completely disappeared from them. He was in control of himself again, that much was obvious.

"I don't think you should be afraid of never being able to give your heart to another, Nienna. You let in my sons, Erestor and me, didn't you? Why shouldn't you be able to let another in too, then, in a different way? In fact, up until now I thought you'd left a lover behind with the way you were behaving," Elrond said to her.

Nienna blinked owlishly a few times. There were a great many things she'd though Elrond might say, but this surely hadn't been on the list. Perhaps she didn't know Elrond as well as she thought she did after all.

"And what exactly did I do to make you believe I had left my lover behind when I came here? I can't think of anything that might have given you that idea," she said, trying to sound slightly teasing. She knew she'd failed miserably when Elrond's serious expression didn't change at all.

"Well, I've caught you staring into nothingness more times than I care to count. At first I thought it was because you missed your brothers or were worried about them, but on your second day here you told me you knew they'd be able to handle themselves. That meant there had to be a different reason. And when I saw how you related to Elrohir's pain I figured that perhaps you'd been forced to separate from your partner as well," Elrond explained.

That made sense to her, especially considering Elrond had a point. She'd been distracted on numberless occasions since she'd arrived here. She'd tried to hide her sadness at missing her brothers and the other Valar, but she had known she wasn't doing too good a job since the beginning.

"I miss everyone I left behind, but I wasn't in a relationship with anyone when Eru sent me here. If I had been with someone, he might have chosen to have me search for the answers he thinks I need in a different way," she said.

Elrond stared at her for a second, his eyes seemingly piercing her and revealing everything she held inside. It was more than a little unnerving, but she kept silent and look back at him without showing him how he was making her feel.

"If you say so. But I think you should consider you've lost your heart to someone and have yet to tell him or her about it. The way you said you miss all those you left behind suggested you miss one of them a little more than the others," Elrond said.

Nienna wanted to ask him what he meant, but the Lord of the Valley turned around and left the library. She assumed he was going out to find Erestor, probably to have his Chief Advisor assure him both of his sons were fine and would be home soon. So she didn't follow Elrond.

Sighing, she decided the best thing to do would be to continue the job they'd started. Elrond would most likely be back soon, and it might keep her distracted. Elrond's words had the potential to make her lose herself in thoughts she'd banned to the back of her mind a very long time ago.

In silence, she placed more scrolls on the shelves. When Elrond returned half an hour later, he didn't break the silence but simply began picking up books. For the rest of the day, they hardly spoke. The silence was never unpleasant, it only served as a means to let each other think.

By the end of their working day, half of each of their piles had been put where they belonged. It wasn't as much as it could have been, but it wasn't a small achievement either, so they were both happy.

When Nienna sat down for the evening meal, she saw Erestor slide his chair a little closer to Elrond's. The Lord of the Valley smiled at the other raven-haired Elf gratefully when Erestor squeezed his hand for a second, which told Nienna Elrond was aware he needed some help after the day he'd had. It seemed he'd found it, so she decided she would keep her nose out of it for the time being.

"Are you going to spend another day in the library tomorrow?" Elrohir's voice suddenly penetrated her thoughts. She'd been further away than she'd realised, as she hadn't heard the Elf approach her at all.

"Yes, I am. There's still a lot of work to do and if we don't continue tomorrow, it'll take weeks to finish it instead of days. Why do you want to know?" Nienna asked, trying to hide the fact he'd surprised her. It seemed she succeeded, as Elrohir didn't comment on it. Then again, that could just be because he was too polite to say anything.

"Two reasons. The first one is that I'm curious, which you should have known by now. The second one is that I'd like to help. I like feeling like I'm making a difference," Elrohir explained as he sat down beside her.

After that small conversation, there was no more need for words. Instead, they both focused on their food. Before too long, they parted ways with the promise to meet each other the next morning.

Hours later, when the sun had set and the stars were twinkling brightly in the sky, Nienna was in bed. But she wasn't sleeping, and most likely wouldn't be for hours. Elrond's words kept going through her mind; she had to admit he had a point. The entire day she'd been pondering whether she had indeed lost her heart to one of the Valar and she'd come to the conclusion that she had.

And every time she closed her eyes, she saw his face. The face with the most honest smile and eyes, the face that belonged to the one Vala who could get her to calm down and open up when even her brothers couldn't make that happen.

She saw Ulmo's face.


	4. The Strength Of The Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nienna overhears something she shouldn't have, and gets a visit from an unexpected friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There's only one more chapter to come after this one, sadly enough. But I hope you'll enjoy reading this one as much as I loved writing it. Drop me a review with your reasons to love it or hate it! Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Disclaimer: If I owned it all, my bank account would be a lot more healthy…

**4 The strength of the heart**

  
The heat of the sun was unbearable that day. Every Elf in Imladris was wearing as little clothes as possible and many of them were at the Bruinen in an attempt to cool down somewhat. Those who weren't there were in the most shaded places of the Valley, such as the forest and the large secluded garden at the back of the Last Homely House.

Nienna was less affected by the heat, but it was still more than a little unpleasant. That was the reason why she was walking along the Bruinen as well, concealed from the others' gazes by her powers. She wanted to be alone today, something she hadn't had during the three months she'd now been at Imladris. Or at least not to this extend.

Nienna began to despair a little as she walked further and further along the river. With the amount of Elves there, she would be hard put to find a secluded area close enough to Imladris to spend some time there and still be back before she was missed. Then again, Elrond knew she could take care of herself, she he wouldn't send a search party for her if she didn't return before nightfall.

And there was no need to worry about food or water, either. The river would provide the latter and she had brought enough of the first with her to ensure she could spend the night outside the Last Homely House. She had also had her strength back since the third week of her stay here, so she would have been able to pass the entire time without food or water.

Suddenly, she became aware that there were to others close by. She was keeping her distance from the river, as she'd done the entire time, to make sure she wouldn't accidentally bump into anyone, so she knew whoever it was didn't want to be around others either.

A quick look to her left revealed the Elves whose presence she'd become so acutely aware of were none other than Erestor and Glorfindel. They were looking too serious for her liking; their usual joyous look had completely disappeared and Erestor even had tears in his eyes, unless she was very much mistaken.

Knowing they would probably like to be alone, she considered turning around and forgoing her own search for some peace and quiet. They probably needed it as much as she did, if not more. But she quickly discarded the idea. She should let them know she'd seen them; if they were to find out she'd been there without letting them know about it, their friendship might suffer.

Slowly, she approached her friends. Instead of moving soundlessly and scaring them, she let them hear the sound of her footsteps before placing her hand on Glorfindel's shoulder. The Seneschal tensed, but relaxed when she lightly squeezed his shoulder and spoke.

"It is I, Nienna. Are you two all right?" she questioned in barely more than a whisper. By now, she had positioned herself in such a way that Erestor would be able to hear her as well, and the raven-haired Elf was the one to answer.

"Not really, but I think you knew that already. Thank you for asking anyway, though," Erestor said. His voice was still hoarse from crying and she gently placed her hand on his lower back. Erestor lifted his hand the tiniest bit, indicating he would have taken a hold of her if he had been able to see her.

Therefore, Nienna decided against asking whether they'd like her to leave; Erestor seemed to be drawing strength from her and Glorfindel seemed relieved she was there as well. She had her answer, and doing anything unnecessary wasn't in her nature. Not that she was lazy, it was rather that she'd been trained by her father to act only when there was no other choice.

She now released her grip on the shield she'd created. Immediately, she became visible again. She threw her arm around Erestor's waist and took Glorfindel's hand in her free one. Both of her companions started tugging her in the same direction at the same time, and she went willingly.

Soon enough, the trees were growing in larger groups. It looked as though Erestor and Glorfindel had spent quite some time here, as they moved silently and gracefully towards an obviously predetermined place.

It was Erestor who brought them to a halt, doing so by stopping suddenly. Glorfindel was merely a fraction of a second later, but Nienna nearly collided with her raven-haired companion. It brought a smile to his face, so she forewent the silent berating she would otherwise have given herself.

"So, anyone want to tell me what has gotten you two into this state? You two are angry with yourselves and a little annoyed witch each other and yourselves, and I'd like to hear the story to so I can try to help," she clarified.

Erestor and Glorfindel exchanged glances and Erestor nodded. It seemed to be enough for Glorfindel, who bowed his head lightly in acceptance. After that, all three of them sank down on the ground and got comfortable; Nienna was the last one to sit down, copying the other's actions as the story was sure to be a lengthy one.

"We were arguing. Glorfindel doesn't think we should be together, as he thinks I deserve better than him. I tried to persuade him that he's all I'll ever need, that he will always be the one to hold my heart. I started crying when he fell silent," Erestor started off the story.

Nienna looked at Glorfindel, who was looking guilty. He was wringing his hands and he was biting his lip. There was something else she could sense in him, but she didn't quite know how to name it. The fact she was worried about them made her abandon her attempts quickly as well.

"And why do you think you two can't be together, Glorfindel? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I doubt you've given Erestor the reasons; this could be your chance," Nienna told Glorfindel.

The blond Elf was silent for a few seconds, and she had no doubt he was contemplating whether or not to answer and how to go about it if he did. She could feel the tension that had taken a hold of him, but she kept silent; there was nothing she could do to help him. And if he felt pressured in any kind of way, he would start to doubt the decision he'd made afterwards and that could lead to a whole lot of trouble.

"I am nu unscathed Elf, as Erestor well knows. I have a myriad of scars, small and large, as a result of my fight with the Balrog. They're a constant reminder I cannot save everyone, a constant reminder that I might someday fail to protect the one I love," Glorfindel started off the story.

Nienna saw Erestor shake his head. Gently, she pushed against his arm to indicate he should tell Glorfindel why he didn't agree with that statement. Erestor caught on straight away, his voice soft when he spoke.

"I'm very capable of protecting myself, 'Fin! I can wield a sword well enough and I'm better than most with a bow. And even if I weren't, you could never fail to protect me. You'd stick close enough to me to ensure no one would be able to touch me. So don't be daft," Erestor gently admonished.

Nienna saw Glorfindel relax the tiniest bit, which made her smile almost imperceptibly. If a telling off was what Glorfindel needed, then he would be getting one. From two sources even, as she wouldn't have Erestor do this on his own. The raven-haired ellon was too used to doing things alone, she would have to change that.

"It's important not to keep your insecurities to yourself, 'Fin. This entire situation could have been much easier if you'd been open and let Erestor have his say as well. Remember that and you'll find your life to be easier," Nienna said.

When Glorfindel nodded, she saw Erestor gravitate towards him. She'd seen the way their eyes lit up whenever they saw one another since she'd arrived, and she was thrilled a little push was all it would take to get them together. They were made for each other, there was no other way to describe it.

"You know, I had my worries about admitting my feelings for you as well, 'Fin," Erestor suddenly admitted. The words took Nienna slightly aback, as she hadn't anticipated they'd continue their conversation in front of her. But she hid her surprise and stayed silent, watching them.

Erestor took Glorfindel's hand in his now, linking their fingers. Nienna didn't doubt Erestor needed that touch to ground him, and Glorfindel seemed to benefit from it as well. The golden-haired Seneschal began to rub circles on Erestor's hand, making Nienna's heart ache. She wanted Ulmo to be able to do the same. But for that to happen, she needed to head back home and he needed to feel the same way about her.

"What did you worry about then?" Glorfindel of the House of the Golden Flower asked, his voice barely audible. He pulled Erestor closer as he spoke and Elrond's Chief Advisor went willingly, letting his free hand fall to the other's knee.

Erestor took a few deep breaths, obviously struggling to put it all into words. Nienna slipped away as her friends were too focused on each other to notice her leaving. She didn't want to intrude, and that was what she'd been doing for the last minute or so.

As Nienna pushed through the bushes and trees, she became aware of how silent it was there in comparison to the noise there had been at the river. Erestor and Glorfindel must have taken her further away from the water than she'd realised.

Before long, even her friends' voices didn't reach her sensitive ears anymore. The spot she was at by then was shaded and secluded, as there were several large trees and large boulders to create the illusion of a true sanctum. It was absolutely beautiful as well, the colourful roses, tulips, forget-me-nots and violets making it very inviting.

Without much thought, Nienna lay down. This place was calling to her, enticing her to let go of all her troubles and simple be for a little while. It was a very tempting offer, as she was somewhat tired after all of the days she'd spent going over her every talk with Ulmo to figure out how much of a chance she stood with him. She'd sacrificed most of the few hours she slept to the task as well.

And truth be told, she had only gotten more confused because of it. Ulmo was never afraid to hug her or touch her; more often than not he would touch her wrist or arm when they talked, he would frequently hug her seemingly without a reason. Their conversations were always beneficial for both of them, and they both used pet names for each other rather often.

On the other hand, Ulmo was gentle with everyone. It was hard to see whether he was being more gentle with her than with the others, whether his touches were meant to be more than friendly. Then again, that might just be because she was still a little nervous about love after Melkor's betrayal.

Nienna closed her eyes, settling down more comfortably on the grass. She really needed to talk to Ulmo, speak freely and hear his honest replies to all her questions. It was the only thing that would make her worries disappear.

Suddenly, Nienna heard a small rustle to her right. To anyone else, it would have sounded like the wind blowing through the leaves, but she knew it to be something different. It was the sound of one of the Valar appearing out of thin air somewhere. And she had a good idea who it was, as his particular presence was the one she felt most comfortable around.

"If I had known Eru any less long than I have, I would have doubted he could do this. Now, I guess I'm just happy he sent you here when you're exactly the one I was hoping to meet again soon, Ulmo," Nienna said without opening her eyes, smiling as the words tumbled form her lips.

She could feel Ulmo sink down onto the grass beside her, one of his legs ending up pressed tightly to one of hers. With anyone else it would have been uncomfortable or embarrassing, but with him it only felt natural. Therefore, she didn't move.

"Eru was hoping you would want to see me. At least that's what he said before he sent me to you. He also told me it was time to stop hiding. I suppose he's right, the time to speak the truth has come. Or perhaps it's been here for a while and I had yet to notice," Ulmo softly said.

Nienna turned onto her side, finally opening her eyes. Ulmo was looking at her too, his greyish blue eyes seemingly reading her like an open book. But she knew he would not use whatever he found inside her to hurt her, so she was content to let him gaze into the depths of her very soul.

"He wants me to come home with you after we've talked, doesn't he? He thinks I've reached the end of my journey," Nienna said, not bothering to hide how absolutely certain of this she was feeling.

"He is expecting the both of us home in a few hours, yes. He thought you might like to say goodbye as well, which is why he didn't demand we return straight away after we end our conversation," Ulmo revealed.

Nienna instinctively scooted closer to Ulmo, resting her head on his shoulder. Ulmo's hand came to rest on her back immediately. He began to draw an indistinguishable pattern on top of the light dress she was wearing and she found the motion to be highly hypnotic to say the least. She shook the sensation, though; there was no time to loose.

"I love you, Ulmo, more than I've ever loved anyone. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to admit it, but it did. Melkor broke my heart. I was hurt, the wound refused to close for a long time and when they finally began to heal I kept ripping them open all over again. But most of all, I was scared," she admitted in a small voice.

Ulmo made to speak, but she raised her hand to cut him off. It was easier to continue than she'd anticipated now that she'd started speaking, but she wasn't sure she'd be able to start a second time. Fortunately, Ulmo seemed to understand what was going on, because he closed his mouth and simply looked at her once more.

"I was never scared of you. I've always known you would never hurt me; your heart is too pure for that and you've never been anything but gentle and kind to and with me. I was scared I would let you in and then find I wasn't ready for all of it, which would hurt you. I was scared I would drag you down and take away that happiness you always carry around," Nienna explained.

Ulmo tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, smiling at her very handsomely. The First Born usually saw him as a green wave with tremendous powers, something very terrifying. To her, though, he was not scary at all. Instead, he was the most handsome, kind Vala she had ever met.

"You're right, I could never hurt you. I love you too, which is the reason for that. I've loved you since before you and Melkor got together, if you want to complete truth. I kept silent for as long as I did because I could see you weren't ready to move on. I'm glad you are now," he told her.

Nienna placed her hand over Ulmo's when he traced his fingers along the side of her face, making him cup her cheek. He didn't seem to mind, though, as he smiled even more broadly now and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Nienna wasn't going to settle for that, though, so she shifted and claimed his lips with her own as her eyes closed. She felt him smile against her lips and she knew she had made the right decision.

"Thank you for waiting for me, for not giving up on me. There aren't many who would have done it. They would have sought love in another place, a more attainable love," Nienna said, pushing herself up from the ground.

She held on to Ulmo's hand and he followed her lead. She tucked herself into his side as soon as possible, not wanting to abandon the kind of shelter being close to him provided. He curled an arms around her and she felt the love and trust he held in his heart from her radiate off of him.

Without uttering another word, she began to lead him to the Last Homely House. They would be back home sooner than Eru had asked of them, but if she postponed saying her goodbyes they would be late. And she would not disappoint her father again, as she was now well aware she had done so by readily accepting the darkness into her heart after Melkor's evil had tainted her.

Her journey back seemed shorter than the one that had brought her to her secluded sanctum, but that was merely because she now had company. The other reason was of course that she was not looking forward to leaving the friends she'd made behind and time had the annoying habit of speeding up when something bad was about to happen. She'd seen and experienced that often enough.

When they arrived, Elrond was sitting on a blanket alongside Elrohir. There was some water and food standing beside them, and Elrohir was holding onto his father's hand. Elrond's youngest son looked more at peace than he had been for a long time; it was very obvious Elladan had returned the day before, and Elrond seemed to have completely accepted the love his sons shared.

When Elrond noticed them arriving, he gestured for them to come closer. He bowed his head in greeting and respect to her and Ulmo, and she returned the favour. Ulmo followed a second later, probably because he needed that time to assess the situation.

"My father wants me home. I wish I had more joyous news to share with you," she apologised, the emotions coursing through her very visible on her face.

Elrohir was the first one to get to his feet. They'd bonded over the trouble they'd had with love and since he was younger he was probably more affected by her sudden departure than his father. He threw his arms around her and pressed his face to her shoulder. She embraced him equally strongly and whispered a few nonsensical words in his ear to calm him down further.

"Will we ever see you again?" he asked her as soon as she pushed him to arm's length. His eyes were dry, which Nienna thanked her lucky stars for; she would have been hard put to leave if she had had to leave Elrond to console his son.

"Of course you will! This place his become a second home to me, I couldn't stay away even if I wanted to. I've found another family here, you and your brother, your father, Erestor and Glorfindel," Nienna assured him.

As if saying their names had conjured them, Glorfindel of the House of the Golden Flower and Erestor came into view. Glorfindel cocked his head to one side when he saw her, and she simply shrugged lightly. This made him nod and hug her, his bubbly nature making it possible for her to smile at being embraced instead of worrying about having to leave him behind.

Erestor softly placed his hand on the small of her back when he enveloped her in his arms. Sometimes the Elf treated her with too much respect, even after all these weeks. Therefore, she pressed herself against him more tightly and put all of the things she didn't have the time to say into that hug. It seemed he understood, because when he stepped back, he nodded.

"Won't you give me a hug?" she asked Elrond when the Elf stayed seated.

The smile she received told her all she needed to know. He'd been waiting for her to asks, as he had wanted to let her choose whether she wanted to be hugged. He now put his arms around her and squeezed her in much the same way he would his children. She returned the favour, making him chuckle.

"No matter how long it takes, the doors of the Last Homely House will always be open for you and whoever you decide to bring. And you'll always have friends here," he told her as he stepped back.

Nienna nodded, unable to speak. Tears were forming in her eyes and if she voiced her sentiments she would not be able to keep them from falling. Ulmo took her hand in his and linked their fingers together, offering her the support she needed. She squeezed his hand to show him her gratitude.

"I don't think you'll have to wait too long to see us again. And you might meet Nienna's family when we return; they will want to thank you for helping her when they could not," Ulmo said, making sure to look at all of them as he spoke.

Knowing they should be leaving, Nienna waved one last time before she began to guide Ulmo towards a more secluded part of the garden. She didn't want to draw any more attention to herself than was necessary; she'd never liked to the subject of a conversation even if she wasn't around to hear what was being said.

Ulmo walked beside her in silence, but that didn't make the comfort he was providing any less. If anything, she was grateful for his not speaking; she was still wrapping her head around everything that had happened that day.

"Are you ready?" Ulmo eventually asked when they were hiding from wandering gazes.

"I am," Nienna said. To her own astonishment, her voice sounded steady and strong; apparently, she was still as strong as she had been before the whole Melkor debacle had come to pass; she just hadn't realised it.

"Close your eyes then," Ulmo instructed, his voice softer than she'd ever heard it. There was something in the way he spoke she'd never heard before, something she wasn't sure she could name.

But none of that mattered. Because she was certain there would be enough time to discover every emotion he could put into the words he directed at her; to discover his love, patience and warmth. And she would have ample time to return the favour.


	5. Homeward Bound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nienna returns home after her time in Imladris. She must now face Iluvatar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This is it, the ending of the story. I hope you'll like what I've done with it! Please let me know whether you love or hate it. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own a thing, but I sure wish I did...

**5 Homeward bound**

Nienna found herself in front of Eru when she opened her eyes. Around them, the other Valar and Valier stood staring at Ulmo and her, as if they had known where they would appear. Which they probably had, considering that they had been present when she left. She had not been expecting to see anyone but her brothers, though.

Ulmo squeezed her hand before letting go and taking his place among the other Valar. Námo was holding Irmo's hand for comfort, obviously dreading the changes she might have undergone even in such a short span of time. Manwë was smiling as if he knew something and kept his gaze mostly on Ulmo, although he did subtly glance at her every so often.

Nienna walked a little closer to Eru's throne and bowed. After her journey she thought he deserved her respect and gratitude even more than she did before. Without his help in putting her onto the path that she needed to take, she would not have learned the important lessons Elrond and the others had taught her.

"Welcome back, my daughter," Eru said. "You have finally reached the end of your journey and it is our pleasure to have you among us once more. You were greatly missed whilst you were away."

"I sorely missed my home when I was a way, too, hîr nin. Although my stay in Imladris was not entire unpleasant and very informative," she said, not even trying to fight the smile that appeared on her face.

She could feel Ulmo's gaze come to rest on her and it warmed her heart. Finally being able to admit her feelings for him had strengthened her, helped her grow and become an even better Valië. If there was anyone she hadn't given enough credit in past years, it was her best friend.

"I take it by your words that you have found answers, have learnt much in the months you spent away from us?" Eru inquired, although none of them were fooled; he was aware of what she had learnt and how she'd gotten there.

"Indeed I did, hîr nin. My journey opened my eyes to a great many things, not in the least to the things that have been right in front of me for more years than I care to admit," she answered.

Nienna noticed Námo squeezing Irmo's hand tightly for a second when Irmo gasped in shock at her words. It seemed Irmo saw in her words a kind of confirmation of his worst fears. He needn't worry, though; all of the changes that had come over her were good ones. And she was sure her brothers would see that soon.

"Could you tell us what you have learnt? It's an easy way to confirm whether you have indeed ended your journey in the way I wished for you to end it when I sent you to Imladris," Eru said.

Nienna pondered his question for a second. She wanted to share her knowledge and experience with the other Valar, but she wasn't sure she had the right words. There was only one way she could think of to do that: in a song. Since they had helped create Arda with music, singing was as natural for them as speaking. And everyone would understand the meaning of her song effortlessly.

She closed her eyes for a second, gathering all of her courage and making sure she knew all the words. When she was sure she would not be making any mistakes, she softly began to sing.

Her voice was barely above a whisper, but none of those present would have any trouble hearing her. She allowed all of her emotions to seep into the words that left her mouth so she could explain exactly how she felt. And all of the Valar were quiet as they listen to her, struck by her honesty and the beauty of her voice.

_Close enough to start a war.  
All that I have is on the floor.  
God only knows what we're fighting for.  
All that I say, you always say more._

At times it had surely felt as if Melkor was trying to start a war, not only between the two of them but between all of the Valar and Valier. There had been days, even months, of pain and sadness, yet she had always searched to excuse his behaviour. If she had been any less strong she would have been free of him quite a bit sooner.

The irony of it stung, she had to admit. The Ainur, which they were all part of, were meant to be the most powerful beings on Arda and beyond. Men referred to them as Gods because of their beauty and strength. Yet it was this power that had lead her into this madness to begin with. Sometimes it was easier being weaker, as it enabled you to walk away, she mused.

But what had hurt most, were his words. Wounds to her body had always healed faster, so when he'd lashed out at her the pain and bruises he created would disappear quickly. Wound to the heart were harder to deal with for all creatures, but her heart was more perceptive to it than that of most; it was why she was so good at what she did.

 _I can't keep up with your turning tables,  
Under your thumb, __I_ _can't breathe._

Her life had been very difficult during her years with Melkor. She had been forced to explain why she did the things she did, and he had never been satisfied with her reasons. Even breathing had been hard, as he had made her feel as if she even needed to ask permission to do that.

And that wasn't the only thing. Melkor had developed the habit of changing his mind over and over again in a very short amount of time. He would agree with her decision to do something at first only to shout at her for doing it without his approval mere minutes afterwards. It had driven her nearly to insanity.

The Valar had been made to have their own mind, to honour their father but make their own decisions in the end. In that respect, they were very similar to Elves, Men and even Dwarves. Melkor had attempted to take away her free will, had tried to decide everything for her even if she was anything but incapable.

Sometimes, it had felt as if she could no longer breathe; as if he was closing his fingers around her throat and choking her. It was one of the things he'd never done in real life, but she had felt like it was happening none the less.

_So I won't let you close enough to hurt me._   
_No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me._   
_I can't give you, what you think you gave me._   
_It's time to say goodbye to turning tables._   
_To turning tables._

Her brothers had warned her for the dark whole that was Melkor's heart, as had so many others. They had begged and pleaded with her not to let him come to close, to protect herself from him and not make herself vulnerable. Ulmo had told her he had try to keep her out of his clutches as she meant too much to him to lose her. And she had ignored all of them, not caring about what they thought. She had thought she was strong enough to deal with whatever came her way.

In the end, she had seen reason. It had taken many fights and more pain than she had until recently been willing to admit, but she had come to her senses. She had never been able to give Melkor what he was looking for, had had no desire for dominance and power. And yet, she had not been able to ask him to leave. He had become such a large part of her life that she wasn't sure she could remove him from it.

Eventually, though, she had succeeded in banning him from her life. There had never been a reason to let him hit or mistreat her, and she had seen it. She had asked her brother to help her to put some distance between them, which they had agreed to do.

 _Under haunted skies_ _I_ _see you, oh.  
Where love is lost, your ghost is found.  
_ _I_ _braved a hundred storms to leave you.  
As hard as you try, no __I_ _will never be knocked down._

But even though Melkor was no longer in her life, she could still see him when her life was a shambles. It happened regularly, even though in the last few years it had started to happen less frequently. She still saw his face in her nightmares, still felt as though he might jump out at her when she was alone sometimes.

And the ghost of their love had been present until recently. It had prevented her from seeing Ulmo was in love with her, had made her blind to the fact she had feelings for him. Now that it was gone, she was free to show her love and devotion and accept his in return. She was free.

To be free of it, she had gone through many trials. But she had come out stronger. She had refused to let it control her life more than once a year in the last years. And deep down, she thought this might have been necessary to make her realise she was a lot stronger than she'd ever given herself credit for.

_I can't keep up with your turning tables._   
_Under your thumb,_ _I_ _can't breathe._

"I never knew how she felt about everything that had happened. I feel terrible; I wasn't there enough for her," Estë whispered. Her voice was loud enough for Nienna to hear it, though, and she kept listening as she sang.

"You did all you could. Did you not sit by her side when she grieved over her lost love? Did you not visit her to make sure she would be alright when she secluded herself in the dark?" Irmo, Estë's husband, whispered in return. He also took his wife's hand in his free one to show her his support.

"None of you could have done anything more than you did. She had to walk this road alone for the most part, else she would have succumbed at a later date and we wouldn't have been able to do anything at all to save her," Námo told them, taking Vairë's hand in the one that wasn't holding Irmo's.

All Nienna could do was silently agree.

_So I won't let you close enough to hurt me.  
No, I won't ask you, you to just desert me.  
_ _I_ _can't give you, what you think you gave me.  
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables.  
To turning tables, turning tables._

"Melkor hurt all of us; he hurt the world. But he hurt her more than anyone else. Perhaps we should agree to never let anyone cause that kind of suffering, be it one of our own or one of the First or Second Born," Manwë suggested.

Making this kind of vow would take strength and it would destroy whomever though he or she would be able to get away with it. But it sounded good to Nienna; the kind of pain and suffering Melkor had caused should never fall upon another, and this was an excellent way of ensuring that.

"We agree," all of her brethren agreed. She sent her own agreement to them wordlessly, and they nodded at her to show they understood.

Finally, there would be no changing minds and oppressing behaviour in her life. She would have Ulmo by her side and she would have his support, just as he would have hers. They would stand together and talk instead of argue when they did not agree about something. And her brothers would be there, as would the other Ainur. They would be a true family again.

She had missed that more than she would ever be able to say. She'd separated herself from her brethren for too long, had thought she wasn't worthy of their attention and love for far too long. This was one of the most beautiful changes.

_Next time I'll be braver,_ _I_ _'ll be my own saviour_   
_When the thunder calls for me._   
_Next time I'll be braver,_ _I_ _'ll be my own saviour_   
_Standing on my own two feet._

_I know this part of the song is the part that doesn't fit,_ she sent out mentally to her brethren. _There will never be another time like this. There will be no more pain like I've experienced, no more scars to collect. But this is the song,_ she added almost as an apology.

"We know, little sister. We know," her brothers informed her, not bothering to use their minds to communicate. Námo and Irmo almost never did that, but to Nienna using her mind to communicate was more natural than speaking. She'd never figured out why, but she had accepted it long ago.

There was one thing about these words that did fit her situation, though. She'd be stronger from now on as she would never again forgot how truly powerful she was. Melkor had tried to break her, but she had risen above the turmoil he'd created, had risen above the pain and anguish.

The scars would never be gone, the pain would only lessen instead of disappearing completely. But she was stronger because of her scars, she was a better Valië now that she had them. They had helped shape her, it had just taken her too long to see it to benefit from it earlier on.

_I_ _won't let you close enough to hurt me._   
_No,_ _I_ _won't ask you, you to just desert me._

Because she should have seen it was time to move away from Melkor when he delivered his first blow, the one that resulted in the scar on her upper back. She should have seen the others would have protected her when he threw her against a tree and her knee got scarred. She should have left him when he nearly lost her a finger. But she should truly have been gone before he carved the small white line into her arm that nearly bound her to him for all eternity.

The truth was, she had held on to every bit of hope there had still been. She hadn't wanted to ask him to leave because things had been difficult for him at those times. She'd made up excuses for him as she didn't want him to have to be alone.

Love was a powerful emotions. Elves and Men sometimes said that love makes blind, and she couldn't help but agree; she had experienced it herself. And that blindness had allowed her to keep Melkor close despite his anger and the pain, physical as well as mental, that he caused her.

_I_ _can't give you, what you think you gave me._   
_It's time to say goodbye to turning tables._   
_To turning tables._   
_Turning tables, yeah._   
_Turning, oh._

But the worst thing was that she had felt guilty. In the beginning of their relationship, she'd leaned on Melkor heavily. Life in Aman had been so different from the life she had had before, and she'd had trouble adjusting even with the help of her brothers. Melkor had been there for her back in those days.

When life took a turn for the worst for him, she hadn't realised it immediately. She had moved past her initial troubles and had become very happy in Aman. He, however, was losing his place among the other Valar. It wasn't until things had truly blown up for the first time that she'd understood that.

She had made mistakes; some of the things she'd done had added fuel to the fire instead of calming Melkor's raging nerves. She too had changed her mind too often at times, she too had moved too slowly or too fast. His influence on her was only partially to blame for that as well; she could be very indecisive or fast, it was her nature. Her calm, patient nature hadn't developed until she was a little older.

Now that her song was at an end, she opened her eyes again. She hadn't realised she'd closed them until now, but she supposed it was only natural that she had; when her emotions threatened to overtake her, she hid. Or at least she had done so until now. And her favourite way to do that had always been to close her eyes and pretend the world did not exist at all.

"My daughter, you and your brothers are the wisest of my children. I have always known that. But I never knew exactly how deep your wisdom ran. I am honoured you have taught me what you learnt. It will help me to make even better decisions in the future and to understand the needs of those I am responsible for," Eru said when she eventually looked at him.

Nienna was slightly surprised to hear Eru admit to not being perfect. On the other hand, she had sort of inherited her honesty and strength from him so she should have expected it. She took a step closer to him to show him how grateful she was as she brought her hand up to rest it over her heart.

"If you had not known me as well as you do, I would never have gotten to where I am. I would still be lost and insecure, hurt and unable to move towards a better place in my life. You have nothing to thank me for. It is I who should be thanking you," Nienna said, meaning every word.

With a last gesture Eru accepted her words of thanks and sent all of them out of his rooms. It seemed he thought they needed time to talk to each other and that he should give them the opportunity to do that without him listening in on that conversation.

And he was right. It wasn't until the sun rose once more than Nienna was left alone by everyone but Ulmo. Námo and Irmo were of course the last to leave and they only left because they knew her to be in good hands.

When everyone was finally gone, Ulmo turned towards Nienna. His stormy gray eyes again bore into the depths of her soul and she felt her defenses crumble once more.

"Are you ready to head home yourself?" he asked her, his voice still carrying an edge of worry despite her having made it this far without breaking down.

"Yes," was the only thing she could say, as she didn't trust her voice not to betray the myriad of emotions coursing through her.

And then, she took the hand Ulmo extended towards her and let him lead her to her chambers.

She closed her eyes when Ulmo directed her to her bed. The last thing on her mind before she succumbed to a peaceful slumber was that whatever came next would be perfect. And even if the road got bumpy, she wouldn't have to face it alone.

If she had known she could have this, she would have spoken up years ago. But mayhap neither of them would have been ready. Things happened when they happened for a reason. That she didn't know why it was happening didn't mean there wasn't a reason.

Besides, there would be time enough to figure it all out. She had a long life ahead of her, like all of her brethren.

When Ulmo took his leave a few hours later, she was fast asleep, her face finally free of worry and sadness for the first time in thousands of years.


End file.
